Which of the X-Men Would Make the Best Census Worker?

A few weeks ago, I heard the news that Action Comics #1 (Superman's first appearance) had broken the record for comic book sales, selling for 1.5 million buckaroos. Detective Comics #27 (Batman's first appearance) had briefly stolen the throne from Superman a month earlier when it sold for just a little more than a million. But Superman is back on top for now. All this comic book talk got me thinking about the census, (of course) and my old collection in a box in the basement.

GEEK PARAGRAPH WARNING: Then I discoverd comicspriceguide.com and found out that I have a few treasures on my hands. I have 2 Superman comics worth $40 and $20, an Avengers comic worth $12, a Fantastic Four comic valued at $60 and a Spiderman comic that could fetch $140. The wonderful irony is that all dozens of comics I paid $2 at the store are today worth about $2 (though finding someone to buy them for that would be a small miracle.) The five listed above worth $272 collectively were all garage sale buys for 25 cents each. All together, my 142 book collection is supposed to be worth $743.55, but my guess at it's actual value would be $272. Such good investment strategies I practiced in my youth...

But let's get back to the real focus of this artcicle. With their superpowers, all of the X-Men would bring obvious assets (no Spandex jokes, please.) But let's imagine some possible liabilities to help us narrow it down.
Wolverine: known temper, could unknowing shred paperwork in a berzerker rager.
Cyclops: Nerd. Wears red glasses. I don't trust people who I can't look in the eye.
Phoenix: Unethical to read people's minds to gather information.
Rogue-Unethical to steal people's memories to fill out census yourself
Beast-Would you open your door for this guy, even if he wear quoting Plato?
Gambit-Speak English please
Jubilee: Just annoying.

I'm ready to declare the verdict. Of all the X-Men, storm would make the best census taker. Her power would actually come in handy as she manipulated sunny skies to gather information from the citizens she risks her life for every day. Disagree? I don't see how you can when I've already logically looked at all sides of this important issue. But if you do, comment away.

Friday Five! Adorable Younguns and a Freaky Senior Citizen

I was pretty busy last night, working for the census and then watching 3 episodes of 24. So I was just going to change the date on my post information to make it APPEAR like I did this last night, but that wouldn't be honest, and the census is all about honesty. Lucky for you, I found a video today that should perfectly conclude this post. You'll have to wait a tad for that though. Don't you dare just scroll down to the last video. That would be cheating. We have important things to discuss first.

What would YouTube be without adorable children? But here's my real question of the day: Who is the greatest of these YouTube children? And how weird is it going to be for these kids in a few years knowing that millions of people have watched a home video of you? The census is devoted to recording every member of the family from young to old, so here are my nominations for the top 4 Best Kid Videos and the Indisputable Freakiest Senior Video.

Charlie and Harry are actually the most watched video on YouTube, and rightfully so. This video makes me want to attempt to always speak in a British accent around our new baby, just so she will speak with a British accent. Another question of curiosity: Is there anyone who has NOT seen this video? Seriously, I'm going to ask my mom to see if she has. If my dad has seen it, then we can be assured that every American has viewed it.


This girl cracks me up. And worries me just a little. (This clip gets loud)


Classic.


Possibly my favorite. So hard to choose. But I really feel like this some days, when people just don't get the urgency of what I'm trying to explain.


Honorable mention to David after Dentist, the Star Wars girl and those quadruplets that keep laughing at their dad. Any contenders you think I missed?
I am not a big fan of videos of kids saying things they shouldn't like the little girl kicking the monster's ask, the boy telling his mom he doesn't like her all the time, only when she gives him cookies, and the little boy saying firetruck. Also it worries me what music parents let their children listen to. The kid that dances to Low has some awesome moves, but how is this suitable music for children???

And now what you've been waiting for. This was put on YouTube earlier this week, from an Australian news program, and it and its various incarnations are on their way to a million views. I can't decide whether the man or the wife's subdued reaction is more funny.



I don't care how much you pay me-if I went to this man's house to get his census and he was on the lawn making that sound, even if he was chained up, there is no way I would approach.

How Long Until This Census Worker Orders a KFC Double Down?

There it was tonight while watching Lost. Monterrey Jack. Pepper Jack. And sweet sweet baaaacoonnnnn.... nestled in between two slices of all white chicken. It was so meaty, there was no room for a bun. Genius. Pure crazy genius. So fitting that I would first lay eyes on it during an episode of Lost that had an overweight chicken chain owner falling in love with a woman in an insane asylum. Such a sweet allegory for the Double Down.

Actually, this wasn't the first time I'd seen the Double Down. But before, it was just a pipe dream. I had seen a news article discussing how they were "test marketing" this hideous, beautiful creation in the South. But it seem highly unlikely that it would make it to the Heartland. Has Jaime Oliver taught me nothing about America's eating habits? Of course this concoction would be embraced and salivated over. The theoretical sandwich has become a reality. It has arrived. And now I am just left to wonder how long before I succumb to it? How long can I resist before caving in? I drive by a KFC on my drive to my recruiting county. I mean, I drive right by it. The Double Down is calling to me. Feel free to offer me advice, admonishment or encouragement.

I would also appreciate your opinion on whether I should order the grilled or the original.

We're Giving Away a Prize!!!

That's right. As I've explored this fascinating world of bloggery, there is one thing I have always noticed results in hundreds, if not thousands, of comments. And that is something for free. One might think my witty writing would be gift enough. But I've realized that what you really want is a canvas tote bag. Lucky for you, I have one, emblazoned with the name of our country AND the calendar year. This is the bag I would want to be holding if I ever suffered an amnesia-inducing concussion-just write your name inside and you're set. Yes, this soon could be "in your hands" holding your sweaty gym socks when you go to the YMCA or your mangoes after a visit to Dillons. All you have to do is post a comment and you'll be entered in the drawing for this sturdy, yet stylish fashion statement. Enter now and be the envy of all your friends. Drawing will be this Sunday.

Who Would YOU Like Me to Recruit Next to Work for the U.S. Census (Theoretically)

Good evening, blog readers. In my attempt to get the word out about these fine American jobs, I have striven to not just provide you with cold, hard facts, no matter how alluring they might be. No, that would be tiresome, and you would quickly cease in making return visits. No, my bloggees, I have tried to deliver the good news with some pizzazz. And in doing so, we have posed some very beguiling questions about potential census workers. We've looked at the strong suits and debated the merits of Grandma Moses, Renoir, and entire casts of the TGIF lineup.

In writing these articles, I came across an amazing amount of information, which I sought to distill to its essence for you. In the process, I gained some knowledge as well. I am a man who is interested by a diverse array of topics, including art and 90's sitcoms. But I don't want to be selfish. I've realized that my researching skills might come in handy for other people. Perhaps you've always wanted to know more about Tchaikovsky's music? Perhaps you've always wanted to know how to pronounce Tchaikovsky? Perhaps you've always wondered if Tchaikovsky would make a good census worker. Whichever category you fall under, I could be the servant that pulls back that curtain and lets the morning sunlight of information pour over you!

There are so many people out there, living and dead, that could make inspiring examples for census workers! Satchel Paige, Harry Houdini, Susan B. Anthony, Jimmy Stewart, Ella Fitzgerald, that guy from the Old Spice commercial that is on a horse. So many possibilities!

So I'm turning to you, my loyal readers. You have always been there for me, through thick and thin, rain or shine, ever since this blog was created. Now, allow me to be there for you. Who would you like to know more about? What historical or fictional character have you always been intrigued by? Keep in mind that this offer could be especially useful to any of you college students getting ready for research papers. Perhaps if I scratch your back (find the perfect Pablo Neruda quote for your introductory paragraph) you'll scratch mine (and apply to be among the noble and elite census workers!)

So tell me, who should get the Census Guy treatment next?

Music Monday: Led Zeppelin

About a week ago, I was talking with a family member who is a big fan of the Temptations. I had to really rack my brain to think of some Temptations songs..."Sugar Pie Honey Bunch"...."My Girl"...that was it. And further research revealed that "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch" isn't even the name of the song, it's actually "I Can't Help Myself."

This got me thinking about my musical blind spots. So, during my hour-long drive to work I would play a little game. I'd name a famous artist or group and see how many of their songs I could list. With Simon and Garfunkle I could quickly reach 10 and the Beatles was even easier to get almost 20 (and that is not just because my sons have been dominating Beatles RockBand this last week.) Early exposure to these greats certainly had an influence on me.

But with other famous bands, I didn't fare so well. Sure, I'd heard of them, but I couldn't ID much of their music. Rolling Stones: 2 (Satisfaction and Paint it Black) Pink Floyd: 2 (Money and Another Brick in the Wall). The Eagles: 1 (Hotel California). And then I came to a band that I couldn't name a single song for. Led Zeppelin.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame described Led Zeppelin's relation to the seventies thus: "as influential in that decade as the Beatles were in the prior one." If that doesn't get your attention, I don't know what will. Again and again, they are listed as one of the greats. So I've been perusing their work this week. Of course, I have heard their songs before. But now I can say, nonchalantly, "Oh, that's "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin." So when I started listening to "Stairway to Heaven" I actually bust out laughing. The song is forever tied in my brain to a terrible interpretive dance I saw at prom talent show. The dance, like the song, just went on and on, but the confidence of this girl was unwavering as she sashayed her across the stage, pirouetting, leaping, emerging from a cocoon. It is all seared into memory. At one point she tripped over a microphone cord but quickly recovered with a smile and a shoulder shimmy.

Robert Plant's banshee vocals, Jimmy Page's guitar ripping, John Bonham's soul-pounding drums and John Paul Jones on bass creates quite an experience, and it easy to see how they became the screaming voice of a lost generation. I hope you'll tolerate it for a week before yelling down the basement stairs at me to "Turn that noise down!!!"

Any musical blind spots you'd like to confess?

Reason #3: Fresh Air

Ahhhh... beautiful spring. Finally here, wrapping us in her warm embrace, pressing us to her life-filled bosom. Bunnies scampering playfully across purple clover-speckled meadows. Leaves hatching from their buds and gently unfurling their green raiments. Poets writing adjective-overloaded sentences. Ahhhhh...spring. Breath in that sumptuous vernal oxygen.

What? You CAN'T??? Because you're in a CUBICLE??? And instead you're inhaling a mixture of office aromas? (Right nostril: Phyllis's cinnamon scented candle on an electric candle warmer. Left nostril: Beets.) Well then, perhaps you, my friend, could use a reprieve from your current line of work. Wouldn't you be happier being a forest ranger, or a poultry farmer, or a CENSUS WORKER!!!???

Just the other day, I found myself navigating the streets of a new midwestern town, soaking up the sunlight while I stapled up posters on telephone poles. It was beautiful. And I thought, "I am glad I have this job right now." Sure, I've endured a few wet, chilly, windy days in my short census tenure, but those frigid days of yore have already been outnumbered by the (synonym check for warm) clement days of spring. So whether it is going door to door meeing fine American citizens (and illegal aliens-we census takers don't judge!) or getting the word out about great jobs with your velocipede, there is plenty of fresh air to be had for all with the U.S. Census! Call that number! And work in the great outdoors!