Which of the X-Men Would Make the Best Census Worker?

A few weeks ago, I heard the news that Action Comics #1 (Superman's first appearance) had broken the record for comic book sales, selling for 1.5 million buckaroos. Detective Comics #27 (Batman's first appearance) had briefly stolen the throne from Superman a month earlier when it sold for just a little more than a million. But Superman is back on top for now. All this comic book talk got me thinking about the census, (of course) and my old collection in a box in the basement.

GEEK PARAGRAPH WARNING: Then I discoverd comicspriceguide.com and found out that I have a few treasures on my hands. I have 2 Superman comics worth $40 and $20, an Avengers comic worth $12, a Fantastic Four comic valued at $60 and a Spiderman comic that could fetch $140. The wonderful irony is that all dozens of comics I paid $2 at the store are today worth about $2 (though finding someone to buy them for that would be a small miracle.) The five listed above worth $272 collectively were all garage sale buys for 25 cents each. All together, my 142 book collection is supposed to be worth $743.55, but my guess at it's actual value would be $272. Such good investment strategies I practiced in my youth...

But let's get back to the real focus of this artcicle. With their superpowers, all of the X-Men would bring obvious assets (no Spandex jokes, please.) But let's imagine some possible liabilities to help us narrow it down.
Wolverine: known temper, could unknowing shred paperwork in a berzerker rager.
Cyclops: Nerd. Wears red glasses. I don't trust people who I can't look in the eye.
Phoenix: Unethical to read people's minds to gather information.
Rogue-Unethical to steal people's memories to fill out census yourself
Beast-Would you open your door for this guy, even if he wear quoting Plato?
Gambit-Speak English please
Jubilee: Just annoying.

I'm ready to declare the verdict. Of all the X-Men, storm would make the best census taker. Her power would actually come in handy as she manipulated sunny skies to gather information from the citizens she risks her life for every day. Disagree? I don't see how you can when I've already logically looked at all sides of this important issue. But if you do, comment away.

Friday Five! Adorable Younguns and a Freaky Senior Citizen

I was pretty busy last night, working for the census and then watching 3 episodes of 24. So I was just going to change the date on my post information to make it APPEAR like I did this last night, but that wouldn't be honest, and the census is all about honesty. Lucky for you, I found a video today that should perfectly conclude this post. You'll have to wait a tad for that though. Don't you dare just scroll down to the last video. That would be cheating. We have important things to discuss first.

What would YouTube be without adorable children? But here's my real question of the day: Who is the greatest of these YouTube children? And how weird is it going to be for these kids in a few years knowing that millions of people have watched a home video of you? The census is devoted to recording every member of the family from young to old, so here are my nominations for the top 4 Best Kid Videos and the Indisputable Freakiest Senior Video.

Charlie and Harry are actually the most watched video on YouTube, and rightfully so. This video makes me want to attempt to always speak in a British accent around our new baby, just so she will speak with a British accent. Another question of curiosity: Is there anyone who has NOT seen this video? Seriously, I'm going to ask my mom to see if she has. If my dad has seen it, then we can be assured that every American has viewed it.


This girl cracks me up. And worries me just a little. (This clip gets loud)


Classic.


Possibly my favorite. So hard to choose. But I really feel like this some days, when people just don't get the urgency of what I'm trying to explain.


Honorable mention to David after Dentist, the Star Wars girl and those quadruplets that keep laughing at their dad. Any contenders you think I missed?
I am not a big fan of videos of kids saying things they shouldn't like the little girl kicking the monster's ask, the boy telling his mom he doesn't like her all the time, only when she gives him cookies, and the little boy saying firetruck. Also it worries me what music parents let their children listen to. The kid that dances to Low has some awesome moves, but how is this suitable music for children???

And now what you've been waiting for. This was put on YouTube earlier this week, from an Australian news program, and it and its various incarnations are on their way to a million views. I can't decide whether the man or the wife's subdued reaction is more funny.



I don't care how much you pay me-if I went to this man's house to get his census and he was on the lawn making that sound, even if he was chained up, there is no way I would approach.

How Long Until This Census Worker Orders a KFC Double Down?

There it was tonight while watching Lost. Monterrey Jack. Pepper Jack. And sweet sweet baaaacoonnnnn.... nestled in between two slices of all white chicken. It was so meaty, there was no room for a bun. Genius. Pure crazy genius. So fitting that I would first lay eyes on it during an episode of Lost that had an overweight chicken chain owner falling in love with a woman in an insane asylum. Such a sweet allegory for the Double Down.

Actually, this wasn't the first time I'd seen the Double Down. But before, it was just a pipe dream. I had seen a news article discussing how they were "test marketing" this hideous, beautiful creation in the South. But it seem highly unlikely that it would make it to the Heartland. Has Jaime Oliver taught me nothing about America's eating habits? Of course this concoction would be embraced and salivated over. The theoretical sandwich has become a reality. It has arrived. And now I am just left to wonder how long before I succumb to it? How long can I resist before caving in? I drive by a KFC on my drive to my recruiting county. I mean, I drive right by it. The Double Down is calling to me. Feel free to offer me advice, admonishment or encouragement.

I would also appreciate your opinion on whether I should order the grilled or the original.

We're Giving Away a Prize!!!

That's right. As I've explored this fascinating world of bloggery, there is one thing I have always noticed results in hundreds, if not thousands, of comments. And that is something for free. One might think my witty writing would be gift enough. But I've realized that what you really want is a canvas tote bag. Lucky for you, I have one, emblazoned with the name of our country AND the calendar year. This is the bag I would want to be holding if I ever suffered an amnesia-inducing concussion-just write your name inside and you're set. Yes, this soon could be "in your hands" holding your sweaty gym socks when you go to the YMCA or your mangoes after a visit to Dillons. All you have to do is post a comment and you'll be entered in the drawing for this sturdy, yet stylish fashion statement. Enter now and be the envy of all your friends. Drawing will be this Sunday.

Who Would YOU Like Me to Recruit Next to Work for the U.S. Census (Theoretically)

Good evening, blog readers. In my attempt to get the word out about these fine American jobs, I have striven to not just provide you with cold, hard facts, no matter how alluring they might be. No, that would be tiresome, and you would quickly cease in making return visits. No, my bloggees, I have tried to deliver the good news with some pizzazz. And in doing so, we have posed some very beguiling questions about potential census workers. We've looked at the strong suits and debated the merits of Grandma Moses, Renoir, and entire casts of the TGIF lineup.

In writing these articles, I came across an amazing amount of information, which I sought to distill to its essence for you. In the process, I gained some knowledge as well. I am a man who is interested by a diverse array of topics, including art and 90's sitcoms. But I don't want to be selfish. I've realized that my researching skills might come in handy for other people. Perhaps you've always wanted to know more about Tchaikovsky's music? Perhaps you've always wanted to know how to pronounce Tchaikovsky? Perhaps you've always wondered if Tchaikovsky would make a good census worker. Whichever category you fall under, I could be the servant that pulls back that curtain and lets the morning sunlight of information pour over you!

There are so many people out there, living and dead, that could make inspiring examples for census workers! Satchel Paige, Harry Houdini, Susan B. Anthony, Jimmy Stewart, Ella Fitzgerald, that guy from the Old Spice commercial that is on a horse. So many possibilities!

So I'm turning to you, my loyal readers. You have always been there for me, through thick and thin, rain or shine, ever since this blog was created. Now, allow me to be there for you. Who would you like to know more about? What historical or fictional character have you always been intrigued by? Keep in mind that this offer could be especially useful to any of you college students getting ready for research papers. Perhaps if I scratch your back (find the perfect Pablo Neruda quote for your introductory paragraph) you'll scratch mine (and apply to be among the noble and elite census workers!)

So tell me, who should get the Census Guy treatment next?

Music Monday: Led Zeppelin

About a week ago, I was talking with a family member who is a big fan of the Temptations. I had to really rack my brain to think of some Temptations songs..."Sugar Pie Honey Bunch"...."My Girl"...that was it. And further research revealed that "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch" isn't even the name of the song, it's actually "I Can't Help Myself."

This got me thinking about my musical blind spots. So, during my hour-long drive to work I would play a little game. I'd name a famous artist or group and see how many of their songs I could list. With Simon and Garfunkle I could quickly reach 10 and the Beatles was even easier to get almost 20 (and that is not just because my sons have been dominating Beatles RockBand this last week.) Early exposure to these greats certainly had an influence on me.

But with other famous bands, I didn't fare so well. Sure, I'd heard of them, but I couldn't ID much of their music. Rolling Stones: 2 (Satisfaction and Paint it Black) Pink Floyd: 2 (Money and Another Brick in the Wall). The Eagles: 1 (Hotel California). And then I came to a band that I couldn't name a single song for. Led Zeppelin.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame described Led Zeppelin's relation to the seventies thus: "as influential in that decade as the Beatles were in the prior one." If that doesn't get your attention, I don't know what will. Again and again, they are listed as one of the greats. So I've been perusing their work this week. Of course, I have heard their songs before. But now I can say, nonchalantly, "Oh, that's "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin." So when I started listening to "Stairway to Heaven" I actually bust out laughing. The song is forever tied in my brain to a terrible interpretive dance I saw at prom talent show. The dance, like the song, just went on and on, but the confidence of this girl was unwavering as she sashayed her across the stage, pirouetting, leaping, emerging from a cocoon. It is all seared into memory. At one point she tripped over a microphone cord but quickly recovered with a smile and a shoulder shimmy.

Robert Plant's banshee vocals, Jimmy Page's guitar ripping, John Bonham's soul-pounding drums and John Paul Jones on bass creates quite an experience, and it easy to see how they became the screaming voice of a lost generation. I hope you'll tolerate it for a week before yelling down the basement stairs at me to "Turn that noise down!!!"

Any musical blind spots you'd like to confess?

Reason #3: Fresh Air

Ahhhh... beautiful spring. Finally here, wrapping us in her warm embrace, pressing us to her life-filled bosom. Bunnies scampering playfully across purple clover-speckled meadows. Leaves hatching from their buds and gently unfurling their green raiments. Poets writing adjective-overloaded sentences. Ahhhhh...spring. Breath in that sumptuous vernal oxygen.

What? You CAN'T??? Because you're in a CUBICLE??? And instead you're inhaling a mixture of office aromas? (Right nostril: Phyllis's cinnamon scented candle on an electric candle warmer. Left nostril: Beets.) Well then, perhaps you, my friend, could use a reprieve from your current line of work. Wouldn't you be happier being a forest ranger, or a poultry farmer, or a CENSUS WORKER!!!???

Just the other day, I found myself navigating the streets of a new midwestern town, soaking up the sunlight while I stapled up posters on telephone poles. It was beautiful. And I thought, "I am glad I have this job right now." Sure, I've endured a few wet, chilly, windy days in my short census tenure, but those frigid days of yore have already been outnumbered by the (synonym check for warm) clement days of spring. So whether it is going door to door meeing fine American citizens (and illegal aliens-we census takers don't judge!) or getting the word out about great jobs with your velocipede, there is plenty of fresh air to be had for all with the U.S. Census! Call that number! And work in the great outdoors!

Parenthesis Take Over a Post

Ahhhh... beautiful spring. Finally here, wrapping us in her warm embrace, pressing us to her life-filled bosom. (I just had to spellcheck the word "bosom" - the things I do to maintain the professionality of this website.) (I also just checked to see if professionality is an actual word. It isn't. Perhaps professionalism?) (Ok, full disclosure. I originally thought it was bossom, then boosom, but thank goodness for dictionary.com) Word Man is on a roll today! Beep boop beep. (That was me using my ginormous Word Man watch) (That reference was for my sister, in case you're lost in this parenthetical insanity.)

Okay, clearly this post is out of control. It would be better just to rename this post and start over...

Now With a Visitor Counter!!

Thank you to our frequent guest simplemama for helping us add this gadget! It makes life much more satisfying.

Families Are What the Census is All About

If you haven't checked out Awkward Family Photos lately, I just wanted to let you know that they are having a particularly wonderful week. Good for several chuckles.

Thursday Three!!!! Movie Edition!

Welcome back to Thursday 3! Where we take 3 YouTube videos and explain how they are related to the U.S. Census. Tina Fey's heart of gold got me thinking about other movies that could easily have been made better if they were about census workers. Heck, I've never seen two of them, so they could very well actually be about census workers. So let's just assume that, OK? Up first in the census cinema multiplex:



Wicker Man! Staring Oscar-winner Nicolas Cage as a census taker who is sent to a small town and slowly uncovers the terrible secret they are hiding. Absolutely riveting. Now that your pulse is racing, get ready for even MORE adrenaline with...



Gymkata!!! That's right....Gymkata!!!! And one more time for good measure...Gymkata!!!! Kurt Thomas is on "a secret mission for the United States government." The mission: you guessed it-counting the number of people in the U.S.A. Unfortunately, there is a mountain fortress where the people don't want to be counted. This brave census taker is chased through the streets until he finds the most randomly placed pummel horse ever, where the angry mob politely lines up to let him kick their heads one at a time.  And if you're in the mood for something a little lighter, maybe you should see...



Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog!!! Okay, I realize this is not a movie, per se. If you have not been treated yet to the hilarious ingenius web series, treat yourself tonight. This re-imagining of Dr. Horrible as an awesome Zelda-like Nintendo game could only be better if Penny were actually a census taker. I hope you've enjoyed this week's Thursday Three!

Tina Fey Movie I Would Like to See: Census Worker with a Heart of Gold

By the hammer of Thor! Liz Lemon has been following me all day. When she showed up on Lost tonight, I knew it was time to cave and just write a blog entry about her.

I saw this today.


Good stuff, huh? The blog that tipped me off to this had this (spot on) analysis: "How do you make your movie look really bad by comparison? You show clips of it against its two much more entertaining and funny stars."

In the video, I noticed the scar on Tina Fey's chin. I had never noticed this until this year, despite my years of watching SNL and being a 30 Rock viewer since season 1. Maybe really good make-up covers it up? But it is quite obvious in this clip. So, I googled "Tina Fey's scar" and found this answer worth sharing. Just so you're aware, that link takes you to people.com, in case you consider visiting that website the equivalent of selling your soul. But very interesting.

Again, a late night. Tomorrow I will write something AMAZING. But for now I need to go change my chimp's diaper.

The Most Amazing Library DVD Collection

I try not to use real names and places on this blog, so let me tell you about a little town called "Yurten."

I first traveled to Yurten a few weeks back. Tiny town: a little bank, a mini-grocery store, a closed highschool that the town has turned into a community center where area doctors visit every week or so. And a library. I dropped by the library to hang up flyers and drop off brochures, but also to chat up the librarian about the community. I have quickly learned that the librarian knows more about the town than anyone else.

This librarian uses the government funds she receives quite craftily. There are books, yes. But there is also an amazing selection of audio books and a TV with video games for the kids to drop by and play after school. And then there is the DVD section. It is MASSIVE. And not with random leftover titles that no one wants to check out, like Feeling Minnesota or Say it Aint So! But a diverse array of new releases, classics and TV on DVD.

That DVD section kept haunting me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So today, when I returned to Yurten to hang some new flyers, I stopped by on my dinner break and asked if I could get a library card.

"Oh honey, this is Yurten. You don't need a library card."

I wrote my name and address on a notecard. ("Do you have a wife or kids that will be watching these too? We get two dollars for every person that uses our materials.") And then I selected 10 DVDs (because that is a nice even number that I'll be able to remember, right?) which I get to keep for 2 weeks. Here were my selections.

For the family
Little House on the Prairie Season 2
Ratatouille
Homeward Bound
Robin Hood-awesome Disney version
Pooh's Grand Adventure

For the little woman and me
Now, Voyager
Paths of Glory
Dog Day Afternoon
Frida
24 Season 1

It was like Christmas. Christmas in Yurten.

Music Monday: Sufjan Stevens

Thursday Three got me thinking about what other weekly blog rituals I could create that would keep me accountable in the frequency of my posting. Welcome to our newest weekly feature, where I share some of the music I listen to during my hour long drive to the county I recruit in. These are the songs that inspire me, the songs the governement pays for me to listen to.

I am very impressionable when it comes to music. I just don't have time to explore the newest artists. I've been meaning to check out this pandora thing for over a year, but alas. Very rarely do I hear a song the first time and like it right away. Every once in a great while, I'll hear a song in a movie (or on American Idol) and will add it to my playlist right away. But usually it takes multiple listens for me to fall in love with a song. And I really don't have time to give new songs multiple listens. So I depend on the recomendations of my friends to guide me to quality tunes. And luckily, my friends have very good taste in music.

So, on the left side of the screen is a playlist that you can start if you'd like to hear the melodious sounds of Sufjan Stevens. (Pronounced SOOF-yon. Go here if you'd like an amusing article he wrote about his name. Yes, Sarah, this is mostly for you)

If you, like me, had never heard of him, you are in for a treat. I originally was just going to pick 2 or 3 of his songs, but I couldn't narrow it down any lower than seven. His music is really beyond words. And certainly beyond my vocabulary of words as we near midnight. The name Sufjan means "comes with a sword." I know if I were more awake I could make a profoundly poetic and strikingly apt connection between that and his music. But that's not happening right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to explain it more comprehenisbly. But for tonight, let's just say his songs are like a Grandma Moses painting. Simple but very detailed. Deeply affecting. Richly personal. Resonant. Painting the whole intimate landscape with a variety of instrumental and religious brushstrokes. Hope you enjoy. Goodnight.

Would Grandma Moses Have Made a Good Census Worker?

Well, to quote the woman herself, "Hell yeah! You bet your sweet ass I would!" (Sorry, for the coarse language-her words, not mine) Honestly, I think Grandma Moses made just have made the most amazing census worker EVER. Let's examine my logic behind this conclusion.

1. If this woman knocked on your door, would you slam the door in her face? I didn't think so. If she meekly requested if she could ask you a few questions, could you turn her down? It is not humanly possible. Grandma Moses would be like the special agent the census would send in for difficult cases. "Send in Grandma Moses," they'd say. And the obstinate culprit wouldn't stand a chance.

2. She could adapt to a career change. She didn't start painting until she was in her seventies, becoming one of the most recognizable folk artists.
3. She was a hard worker. She produced over three thousand paintings before dying at the age of 101.

4. She is most comfortable scouting out rural areas.

5. The proof is in the pudding. And the pudding here is her art. Let's take a look. Here are some of my favorites.

Sugaring Off

The Quiliting Bee

Hoosick Falls in Winter

Hoosick River, Summer

Look at how she chronicles life! Isn't that what a census taker does? Tells us who lives here and what they do? She gives the viewer not just a glimpse, but a snapshot of that moment in time, chronicling with simple detail each home and resident. If she can do this with a paintbrush, imagine how thorough she could be with an enumerator's pencil and the correct forms!

I like Grandma Moses. Her paintings fill me with a peace. I came across a poem this week that I think harmonizes with her unmistakable style.

Solitude

by Alexander Pope

Happy the man, whose wish and care

A few paternal acres bound,
Content to breathe his native air
In his own ground.

Whose herds with milk, whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire;
Whose trees in summer yield shade,
In winter, fire.

Blest, who can unconcern'dly find
Hours, days, and years, slide soft away
In health of body, peace of mind,
Quiet by day.

Sound sleep by night; study and ease
Together mixed; sweet recreation,
And innocence, which most does please
With meditation.

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.

The Census Cycle

From my most recent email from census headquarters:

"Ride your bikes with census information signs - this has worked in Kansas City and who knows could work in your town."

Well, if you say so...

So, on this bee-you-tee-ful Easter Monday, I took my boys on a bike ride to Sonic and the park. Our family will be going on a lot more bike rides this spring.

Happy Easter!

This just in: The Test has been appearing at local malls dressed as an extremely creepy Easter Bunny, getting his picture taken with children, and scarring them for life.

He must be stopped. Call. Take the test. Defeat him.

I hope that you, like this little girl, can be impervious to his evil and were able to enjoy the day with your family!

U.S. Census Book Club: The Moviegoer

Hmmmm...

It has been several months since I've read anything of real significance, a book that really has some meat to it. The Moviegoer is one of Time magazine's Top 100 novels of the 20th century, so that sounds prestigious right? It won the National Book Award in 1961. Again, very nifty, aye? Excerpts from the back cover: "In his portrait of a New Orleans stockbroker, wavering between ennui and the longing for redemption...", "On the eve of his thirtieth birthday, Binx Bolling is adrift." And that is the problem with this book, and any other book where the main character is "adrift". It lacks an anchor. The narrative wanders from moment to moment, but nothing really happens, and if it does, it has no lasting significance. My heart didn't really connect to the story. I'm not going to pretend that I understood everything in this novel. But I can understand why Walker Percy is considered such a gifted writer. He speaks of truth, we live in a society adrift, a culture where people identify more with Angelina Jolie than with their next door neighbor. But it is sort of a downer to read about that truth for 240 pages.

Walker Percy should have ended up like Ernest Hemingway. He was haunted by the fact that his grandfather, father and mother all comitted suicide. Percy loved reading Kierkegaard's existentialist philosophy and Dostoevsky's cheery novels. But the saving grace in Percy's life was a college roommate who rose early every morning to attend Daily Mass. Inspired by this example, Percy converted to Catholicism and decided to become a writer instead of a doctor, writing that he would study the pathology of the soul rather than that of the body.

I think this blogger writes a great essay on Percy so if you'd like to know more, read there. I like especially the quote he found about writers being like canaries in a coal mine. This helped me understand Percy a little better.

I'll leave you with some of the more sublime sentences from The Moviegoer, my dogeared pages.

p. 7 "I subscribe to Consumer Reports and as a consequence I own a first-class television set, and all but silent air conditioner and a very long lasting deoderant. My armpits never stink."

p. 74 "I have discovered that most people have no one to talk to, no one, that is, who really wants to listen. When it does dawn on a man that you really want to hear about his business, the look that comes over his face is something to see."

p. 162 "Lonnie takes his money with his pronged fingers and sets about putting it into his wallet, a bulky affair with an album of plastic envelopes filled with holy cards."

p. 215 "(I have observed that it is no longer possible for one young man to speak unwarily to another not known to him, except in certain sections of the South and the West, and certainly not with a book in his hand.)"

p. 240 "Only the two girls are sad, but they are also secretly proud of having caught onto the tragedy."

The Test's Weekly Evildoings

If you're new to this blog, then you might have missed the mystery that surrounds The Test. He is our monacled villain that pops up now and then to strike a sense of vague discomfort into our hearts. All week, reports have been coming in from concerned readers of the cruel actions The Test has been reveling in. I have artistically compiled them here, with the help of Microsoft Paint, so you can get a better idea of how serious a threat The Test is.

The Test's Villainous Deeds for the Week of March 28-Apr. 3

Made a salad using iceberg lettuce.

Telepathically forced you to snooze your alarm clock three times, making you late for work.

Voted for Tim Urban.

Gave a nerd a wedgie.

Held an Easter egg hunt where all plastic eggs filled with peanut brittle.

Spit out wad of chewing gum in parking lot.

Strangled a kitten.

Ran inside to buy a 44 oz. fountain drink and a Skor candy bar after filling his car with gas and left his car parked at the pump instead of pulling forward, even though you've been waiting patiently behind him already for 5 minutes.

Bought Justin Bieber's new CD.

Something must be done about The Test. The only way to defeat him is if more people take the test that qualifies them to become a U.S. Census worker. Please hurry and call 1-866-861-2010. Schedule a time to take the test in an area near you and help stop these foul events. Who knows what else he might do this week.

Which TGIF Show Would Yield the Best Census Workers?

I am a very tangential thinker. So yesterday, the combination of putting up that Perfect Strangers video and seeing an April Fools ad on abc.com for a new updated TGIF line-up (The shows you grew up on have grown up too! Tune in Friday night for “Empty House, Man Meets World, Sabrina the 30-Something Witch and Retirin’ with Mr. Cooper!) was enough to get my noggin thinking about the glory days of my favorite night of television as a child. "It's Friday night! And the moooooodd is right! Gonna have some fun! Show you how it's done! TGIF!" Sigh. Sigh again.

Thus I’ve posed the above question so I could do the research and gather it into one place. For you. Because that is what Census Guy does. I do all the searching, so you don’t have to. I stayed up late last night scouring YouTube for theme songs and Wikipedia for info, so I could be prepared to type this up in the morning, when my brain was refreshed.

So let's begin.

Oberservations:

1. Judging by this gallery of “Where are They Now?” almost any of the child actors could really use some extra money. They might consider the census “beneath them” but it is certainly better than the alternatives. Yes, I’m speaking to you, Judy Winslow.

2. It is just a tad alarming how much some of these shows have ingrained themselves in my memory. Here are a few questions, to see if you too have TGIF trivia taking up precious brain cells that could be used to remember your children’s birthdays: 1. What was the name of the Tanner family’s dog? 2. What was the name of the nerdy kid on the first season of Boy Meets World? (Who some mean-spirited sixth-graders decided would be a good nickname for me because we had similar haircuts.) 3. Can you do a close proximity of the “Dance of Joy”? If you can answer all those questions, immediately flush out your brain with an episode of Freaks and Geeks.

3. What is especially disturbing is how much the music gets stuck in my head. Some of it is just lurking there, waiting to spawn again. For example, last night in my research I came across this simple fact: “Jesse and the Rippers had a hit with the song “Forever” which Jesse sang to Rebecca at their wedding.” And immediately, what pops into my brain, but the refrain to this song, which had apparently been waiting latent in my brain for 22 years.



Lori Loughlin deserves an Emmy for keeping a straight face when the gospel choir walks in.

Some of you might even remember the music video that was created for this song. But I’m not posting it here because it features a bare baby’s butt and John Stamos making a frightening amount of sexy-eyes.

4. And of course, the theme songs. I have had Mr. Cooper’s theme in my head ALL MORNING. It is just so catchy.

  

5. Something I didn’t realize though was that the Full House, Perfect Strangers, Family Matters and Step by Step theme songs are all written and sung by the SAME GUY. Listen for yourself if you don’t believe me and send a thank you letter to Jesse Frederick for providing the soundtrack to your childhood.

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

 

5. Grandma Winslow’s reading choice is so much funnier to me now. 

6. There are some naysayers when it comes to Wikipedia, but their extensive and thorough entries on the TGIF line-up is very impressive. Encyclopedia  Brittanica has nothing on Sister, Sister OR Baby Talk.

 7. Does anybody else remember this show: On Our Own: The series centered on seven brothers and sisters (all of whom's names start with "J") in the O'Fallon Park neighborhood of St. Louis who lose their parents and are being raised by the eldest brother, Josh Jerrico. The early episodes focused on the siblings attempting to not be split up by authorities. This lead to Josh, the eldest brother who was trying to raise the family alone, to dress in drag and pose as older guardian, Aunt Jelcinda (also known as "Mama J"), to fool their case worker, Alana Michaels. Alana quickly sees through the charade, but decides to help the family stay together. That was a great show.

8. Did anybody else hate Dinosaurs? 

9. Did anybody else almost skip a birthday party at the roller skating rink because they didn’t want to miss the episode of Family Matters where Rachel’s diner burnt down? 

10. Time to answer the question. So which TGIF show would produce the best batch of census workers? I feel confident saying: Boy Meets World. Cory and Topanga are probably starting a family by now and could use some extra money. (And Topanga totally has the sympathy to correctly spell people’s bizarre names.) Big brother Eric and best friend Shawn no doubt could use some more cash to spend on hair products to continue maintaining their glossy waterfall helmets. And Mr. Feeny is exactly the type of responsible senior citizen I’ve been looking for. His teaching position clears the way for him to accept this perfect summer job.

Reason #2: Flexible

My position as a recruiting assistant has been the most flexible job I've ever had. I make my own hours. I am on strict orders to NEVER work over 40 hours, and on a not so strict suggestion that I should work at least 5 every week. But as long as I get some time in a few days after school, or one day over the weekend, I'm good to go for the minimum. The real challenge is trying to get as many hours in as I can, considering this is a second job and I have certain commitments that have to come first with teaching. Every day I work, I fill out my timesheet with my hours, fax it in. At the end of the week, I mail them all those timesheets as well as a worksheet that explains what I did each day. "Sat at Alco. Sat at IGA. Put up posters. Worked on blog."

I imagine the census taker position that many people will be filling this summer will also be VERY flexible. They want people who will be available to work evening hours, when people are at home. So I think this job would be ideal for a number of people: 1. College students home for summer break, often its hard to find a job for only 3 months. Well, the government wants you! 2. Senior citizens with a little bit of extra time on their hands and a desire for a little extra income. 3. People who are looking for an easy second job to supplement their income. Especially teachers! 4. Stay-at-home moms who would like a job where they make their own hours and so they'd only work once Dad is home to take over with the kiddos. Think about it!

On a final note, before I started typing this, I says to myself, "What picture or video could accompany this article to make it a little more interesting?" So I googled "flexible" (with SafeSearch on, mind you!) and I got a lot of contortionists. Same thing on YouTube. Yes, they are interesting, but in a totally freakish way. I can't view them without feeling nauseous at what they are doing to their silly putty, joint popping bodies. So, you got a drinking straw. It's late. I'm tired.

3 YouTube Videos and How They Relate to the Census

I just saw this one today. While very amusing, I worry it could lead to future census confusion for this young lad. It is never too early to instill in your child their correct gender and marital status, so they can check the appropriate boxes on the census.



"Here it goes again!" It's a calendar year that is divisible by 10, so it's time to get out and count people! The U.S Census is a huge undertaking that requires precision, coordination and communication between all the census workers. Honestly, I cannot think of a better visual analogy for the U.S. Census than 4 men performing choreographed acrobatics on treadmills.



The connection to the census on this one is so obvious, I don't think I even need to explain it, do I? Yeah, I didn't think so. It is so obvious how a census worker is like a "perfect stranger" to all the people they meet in their line of duty, but together, we end up, no longer strangers, but "together we will stand tall on the wings of a shared dream." So beautiful. I can also totally relate with this feral cat's disappointment when no one commented on his online video. I too feel so compressed when no one comments. Luckily, I have been gifted with a plethora of comments this week, so thank you to all you friends who took pity on me!

This has been enjoyable. I think I will turn this into a weekly ritual. We'll call it THURSDAY THREE! Or if I procrastinate: FRIDAY FIVE! Sounds catchy and exciting, aye? Any YouTube suggestions for next week?

U.S. Census Book Club: Pastured Poultry Profit$

In honor of thi$ week$ book club $election, I will be writing a very obnoxiou$ly punctuated fir$t $entence. I can't say I've ever listened to anything by the musician Kee$ha*, but if replacing an s with a dollar sign makes you hip, than call this guy Miles Davis. Or Mile$ Davi$ if you prefer.

That's Joel Salatin. Visionary. Entrepeneur. Chicken Farmer.

Enough flither flather. Let's get to the review. I've previously told about my extracurricular job fun. Well, my genius** brother put this book in my hands. It is a quick, clear read, written with down-to-earth colloquial honesty. One of my favorite lines is when he states "The world revolves around five-gallon buckets" without a hint of irony. Salatin shares his model for raising and selling broiler chickens. Happy chickens. Able to live their brief but very content life grazing on delicious grass. This makes for a very delicious bird and one that is free of antibiotics and hormones. There seems to be so much potential in these pages. We'll see... In fact, TODAY my brother and I went to Lowes to pick up the lumber to make our very first chicken tractor. These are the portable pens that the hens live in. Free-range chicken usually pecks one area down to a dirt patch. The pens help the not-so-bright chickens to move along. Sample some new vegetation. Much better for the earth, as they spread their manure, naturally fertilizing the soil, whereas too much chicken doo is too much nitrogen for the soil to handle, creating barren land. There I go, sharing chicken details you probably don't want to know. This book sucked me in to the world of poultry, and it should be an interesting adventure. We'll get our first 100 chicks in about a week...

* After finishing this post, I googled Kee$ha to see if I had even spelled her name right. I have not. Normally, census takers take special care to spell names correctly, but since this is not the official deal, I'm leaving it be for posterity's sake.

** Tell him I called him a genius and I'll deny it. I don't think he knows blogs exist.

I'm Just Going to Admit This...

... I'm a comment whore. There, I said it.

Not much activity here on the blog this week. Part of that is because it was a crazy busy week, followed by a near-migraine. Every once in a while, my body says, "You have been putting me through too much. I demand you rest for a day." So that was yesterday.

But the sluggish blogging is also due to very few comments. I'll be honest, I thought I would be famous by now. I read a few weeks ago, how "The Pioneer Woman" blog is going to be turned into a movie starring Reese Witherspoon. I have never been to this "Pioneer Woman" blog, but my wife has told me about it. I could see John Krasinski in the lead role of Census Guy, while I sip beverages with little umbrellas while I lounge poolside.

But I'm slowly realize how elusive fame is and how these blogs need entire weeks to build into phenomena. So in the meantime, I can be placated by the hundreds of comments I receive every day. What? Unrealistic? Ok, how about the dozens of comments? No? How about 5? Would FIVE be too much to ask?

I mean, really, most of my posts shamelessly pander for comments, asking for your imput. But even when I put vitally crucial (crucially vital?) decisions in your hand, such as should The Test villain have a mustache or a monocle, I only get one reply!!!??? As my little blogging sister so eloquently put it, "Comments are my candy." They also validate that what I'm doing here is being seen by others and getting the word out about the census. And it lets me know that I'm funny/interesting to more people than just me, my wife, and my little blogging sister. So if you want more Renoir musings or Lost essays, send me some candy.

Perhaps I should check out this "Pioneer Woman" blog to see what makes her so successful...

So, who would play YOU if your blog were turned into a movie?

Misperception #1: Greed is Good

When I first applied for this job, I thought I needed to keep it on the down-low. I figured if everybody knew about the incred wage, then everybody and their dog would apply, which would lower my chances of getting the job. I figured that my little rural county would hire 1, maybe 2, census takers. Really, how many workers could it take to cover a small county?

20. As it turns out, a county with a population of around 3,000 needs about 20 workers to get the job done. And if those workers can't be found in the county, then those paychecks are going home to other counties. So spread the news, tell a friend or two, and keep the cash in your area. Call today to schedule a time and place for....the test.

That's right! I almost forgot about this blog's narrative. And every story needs a villain. And this blog's antagonist is...the test. I need to more effectively build tension. So which evil person below would make a better physical embodiment of....the test!

I tried to find a villain with a mustache AND a monocle, but I am at the mercy of google image search.

I Wonder What Joe Biden Thinks of the Census???

I mean, it's a big deal too, right?

Weigh in in the comments.

The Lost Census

Waaaaayyyy back towards the beginning of Lost, Hurley decided to take an island census, using the flight manifesto for reference. He made a discovery. One of the island inhabitants was not on the plane. Cue the creepy music and Ethan Rom's obsessed glassy gaze at Claire's round pregnant belly. Ethan was the second fascinating supporting character to be introduced on the show in as many episodes. Just one episode earlier, Sayid discovers a crazed French woman (who speaks with an Eastern European accent) who has been living on the island for years. Danielle Rousseau, one of my all-time favorite Lost characters. That was episode 9 of the first season, and tonight we have episode 9 of the final season. It is fitting, in this season of mirroring storylines, that the episode focuses on Richard Alpert, another richly written mysterious character in the Lost mythology.

There are so many reasons to love Lost. High at the top of the list are the characters. I would contend that no other show has created such an extensive roster of characters. But with quantity, the quality does not suffer. In fact, the additional characters always serve the storyline. To sum it up, Lost has made us care about and has intrigued us with more characters than any show has ever attempted. Look at the photo below. 26 people and a dog. And that's just the surface.

So if Hurley were to do his census today, what would it look like? Because we certainly can't forget about all the supporting characters like Rousseau and Ethan that have added to the mystery of this series. The Survivors. The Tailies. The Others. The Dharma Institute. The Freighter Folk. So many layers of enigma. Not to mention all the family members and friends and foes back home that have given layers to all our main characters. This website creates a gallery of 108 Lost characters you should know. Some are certainly less important than others, but most have left an indeliable mark on the plot. Who are your favorites?

My Top 10 from the main characters would be...

Okay, I just wasted 5 minutes trying to enumerate an impossible task. Each character serves a purpose that is integral to the story. Even Anna Lucia. So somewhere in my top 10 (in no particular order) would be Eko, Juliet, Sun, Faraday, Desmond, Sawyer, Sayid, Rose, Miles, of course Ben, thank goodness for Hurley lending much needed heart and comic relief to the show, Charlie's final episode was so heroic and good, and Locke is always amazing, and Crazy Claire has been very entertaining lately, and I can't include Sun without Jin, and Jack is the bedrock of the show, and...do you see where where I run into trouble?

Even more intriguing are the peripheral characters. Sometimes a character only needs an episode or two to leave A. their mark and B. you wanting more. Such as Richard Malkin, the creepy psychic that convinced Claire the board the train. Or Mikhail Bakunin, the Russian eye-patched Other that would not die. Nadia, Goodwin, Keamy, Anthony Cooper, Matthew Abaddon and Eloise Hawking have all made an impression in less than 10 episodes out of the 116 so far.

What I find particularly fun about this season's sideways flashes is how those supporting characters, and especially previously-dead characters, are popping up in unexpected, very interesting ways. So far we've seen Ethan, Ben, Alex, Dogen, Miles, Charlotte, and Keamy show up off the island in very different roles. These people are going to be drawn together despite the circumstances. With eight more episodes until the series finale, what other characters do you hope will make a cameo appearance in this parallel world?

I'll leave you with some music from Michael Giacchino, the (now Oscar-winning) composer of Lost (and quite possibly one of the top 3 modern composers of our time) and some art from the recent Lost Underground Art Show.  "Showdowns I and II" by Scott Campbell.

Lox

While I was typing that prior entry, my lovely pregnant bride brought me out a treat. It was lox on a bagel. I first read about lox about 3 years ago in Book 10 of the Series of Unfortunate Events series (since we were just talking about kids lit). When I read about yummy food, I have a little notecard where I write down the foods I want to try. This is how I first became exposed to samosas, tandoori chicken and pul kogi, later tracking them down on allrecipes.com, creating and tasing them. (And yes, I did make all those things myself, only needing my wife's help locating where the flour is kept, where the measuring cups are, etc. [basically my kitchen GPS] {I am really on a parenthetical kick tonight-FOCUS!})

So yes, lox. Oh. My. Goodness. So good. I should have taken a picture because the one she made for me looked 10 times better than this one because it had herbs rubbed into the salmon soooo goooood. And this was like the best picture I could find, and I went through like 6 pages of on the google image search.

So yes, lox. It is finely sliced cured salmon. On a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese. Apparently, this culinary treat came to the United States via Eastern European Jews. So thank you, Eastern European Jews.

My bride hands it to me, I bite it and say, "I might just have to write an entry about this." Then she provides the connection and says, "Because of the census, we can get a splurge food item again!" This made me happy, and I did my high-pitch voice I do when I'm making the baby talk, "This is good stuff! I'm getting smarter!" Do you know how good salmon is for babies?

U.S. Census Book Club: The 39 Clues

One of the aspects about my job that I most love is how I get paid to read books. I love reading. In the past several years, I've read around 20-30 adult books every year, several more kid novels, and countless picture books. But 2010 was off to a very disheartening start. With the combined efforts of my sons, my class and my second job all pulling for my time, I had finished not one entire book as of March 14. That is pitiful. I had been dilligently chipping away at a few books, but had not finished any. And then I got my job for the Census!

While I sit at my little table outside of Alco or IGA, I sometimes wait quite a while before someone takes up my offer to talk more about a great job. So, while I wait, I read. This too has been an answer to prayers. Last week, I finished THREE books. I could insert another YouTube clip here of angelic choirs singing, but I'll spare you.

The first book I finished was The 39 Clues: Book 1-A Maze of Bones. The 39 Clues is a new mystery series, specially designed to capture children's interest in the wake of the conclusion of Harry Potter. It is a planned series of 10 books, and what I find most interesting is that the series is being written by seven different authors. Rick Riordan wrote the first book and the outline for the series. This definitely caught my attention because he is the author of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, a very cool look at Greek mythology. I just read Book 1 of that series to my students and they loved it. But I digress. Of the other six authors, three I'd never heard of, but the other three are very successful in their own right. This collaboration of an impressive roster of authors had me intrigued.

This is already too long. Quick conclusion: It wasn't so great. It is a noble effort and has a real "National Treasure" kind of vibe as the two teen protagonists hunt for clues about Benjamin Franklin, Mozart and other historical figures. But I wonder  if the kiddos will even make it through this plodding, overly-dense intro. We'll see...

Required Viewing for Census Workers

Unfortunately, embedding has been disabled on this video. But you should definitely head here and watch. This could be your job. You could meet Christopher Walken.

Thanks Matt for first sending me this link.

Answered Prayers

After all the consumeristic, greedy galavanting in the last post, I feel a need to infuse this blog with some goodness. There will be a lot of snark on this page. So for once, let me offer something that is genuinely honest and heartfelt. Allow me to share a tad wee bit about my faith. I know it’s not considered polite to discuss religion in open company, so although it is something extremely important to me, I won’t be delving into my faith much on this blog. But I also believe that Freedom of Religion is one of the things that makes this nation great. So a little religious referencing would seem to be very appropriate for a census blog. To accompany this post, here’s my favorite painting of prayer, The Angelus by Millet.

I’m a teacher. And contrary to everything you’ve heard, teachers actually don’t earn a lot of money. I know, I know, shocker, right? I’ll give you a moment to process that. Well, when you add in that my wife is currently taking classes for her masters degree, you get a picture painted of a family whose monthly budget is starting to catch up with them. So, I took a second job. I started working second and third shift at our town’s gas station. And it wasn’t a bad job, it was just draining. And the price tag on this energy sieve was just minimum wage. I would go directly from school to the job and then come home at 11:30 only to get up again at 7:00 and start over again. I wasn’t getting any quality time with my wife or sons. I’m usually a pretty upbeat person, but I was getting down. One morning at church, I told the Man Upstairs, “God, this is not working out.” It was an exhausted plea.

That afternoon, I got a call from the census.

1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.” The offer of a better salary (I now make working 20 hours a week what I was making from spending 30 hours at the gas station) was definitely “a way out” for me that day. I take comfort in the fact that God knows how weak I am, how lacking in strength I am, that he knows I can only take a week of trial before he provides the parachute I whine for. And to his omniscient credit, that struggle certainly drew me closer to Him and caused me to place my trust in Him to a new level.

When I staple up posters, I always scribble some extra comment in permanent marker, like “Super Flexible!” or “Need Local Workers!” When I’m leaving a poster on telephone pole outside a church, I add “This job was an answer to my prayers.” It sounds cheesy, but I really mean it. I hope that some family like mine will see it, somebody that could use just a little bit of extra help, and that my scrawled note will strike a chord in their mind. I know that for me, when I hear the noon bells striking, I turn and offer my thanksgiving.

Reason #1: Money

Optional soundtrack for this post.


Alternate optional soundtrack for this post. Selection!

I'll be frank. This job can be LUCRATIVE. First, you earn $10-$13 an hour. That kind of hourly wage is unheard of in small towns. Working hours are extremely flexible, so you make your own hours and work as much or as little as you'd like. This makes it ideal as a second job, a job for senior citizens and stay-at-home moms. But it would be especially perfect for graduating seniors or college students home for the summer.

So, you start off with that great wage, but that's not all. Last year, I drove an hour to a bigger city each day to make a better wage. But I didn't want to do that again this summer, because I felt like it was cutting out too much from my time at home. Another great thing about the census is that they pay you for your travel time. Currently, I am driving daily to a county that does not have enough workers. I like getting paid to listen to the radio for an hour both ways. Ideally, we'll recruit enough workers so that people can work locally and won't have to drive so far. But in the meantime, I'm happy for the commute. Plus, the government offers a very generous mileage reimbursement: 50 cents for every mile. That may not sound like much, but it adds up.

So, I make $11.50 an hour. But when I am driving for an hour (60 miles) I actually make $41.50 for that time.

Did you ever have a job that you had to put some of your own money into? When I worked at Dillons I had to buy some black tennis shoes. At Subway, my uniform shirts got taken out of my first paycheck. It seems unfair, doesn't it? In order to make money, you have to spend some of your own. Well, the census is very conscientious of refunding you for your expenses. They provide all the materials to do your job and pay you back for any supplies, faxes or stamps you have to buy. Just save your receipts and turn them in.

Oh man, I forgot to tell you about training. This will probably be the topic of a future misperception post. It seems to be a deterring factor for people to take this job. But training is GREAT. Well, maybe not the actual training part, but the paycheck that results is certainly grand. Usually, you have to drive a good distance to the training. Training can range anywhere from 1-4 days. During that time, the census pays for you to stay in a hotel (mine was very nice). Your mileage there, around town during, and back home is all reimbursed, you get paid for your travel time there and back, and you get paid for your training time. PLUS (this is my favorite part) you get a $39.50 per diem (a fancy name for a stipend) for EACH DAY you're there for FOOD. You get the money no matter what you eat (they openly tell you they don't want to know what you ate) so you can either have lobster every day or pocket the difference when instead you make it the whole day on one McGriddle.

So my training lasted about 6 hours. But I earned around $200 dollars for that day when you add in my travel time, mileage reimbursement and food per diem. Like I said, LUCRATIVE.

So let's review Reason #1 to Work for the U.S. Census.
$10-$13 an hour (even higher in other states I hear)
Paid training with food per diem
Paid travel time with mileage reimbursement
Refund on any business costs

What are you waiting for? Call the number at the top!

Or you could go to this money origami website and whittle away another 30 minutes of your life. Your call. They have step-by-step instructions!!!

Would Renoir Have Made a Good Census Worker?

Absolutely. Pierre-Auguste Renoir, (1841-1919 according to wikipedia and I'm too lazy to double check that) was a French Impressionist painter with an uncanny eye for detail in human facial expressions. I think that characteristic would make him very adept at reading the emotions of the people he was tabulating.

I love the way Renoir's paintings not only invite, but practically compel you to ask the question "What are they thinking?" "The Luncheon of the Boating Party" made famous by the movie Amelie, is a perfect example of this trait in his greatest masterpieces. Let's take a look:

Not only is this an interesting piece because no one's glances of interest are returned, but you can also fill out a census form just by looking at the people. The three men in yellow hats are clearly members of some fraternity that dresses alike. The two women at the table are obviously sisters who live alone but if you asked the one on the left how many people reside at their apartment, you'd have to be careful. She would tell you "three" but that is because she is counting her dog as a human being. The woman leaning on the railing is the oldest of nine children, her mother died in childbirth and her father is a government servant. The man in the cardigan by the table is an only child who lives with his grandmother, who indulges his every fancy. But that woman drinking from the cup...I can't quite figure her out.

While "Boating Party" is my personal favorite, I also find his three "Dance" paintings quite intriguing. Even without the titles, I am confident you could properly fill out the census form for these three couples. Do they live in the country, the city, or some in between place called "Bougival"?